Legend, Prodigy, Champion, China Girl, Sadist
by Oxenstierna D. Yuki-Rin
Summary: He's a broke sadist that is on the run from the hot fuzz for some very stupid crimes, including jaywalking. She's the sister of a top military officer who dies in a bizarre hospital break-in. Together, can the two find love and happiness in psuedo-dystopia Los Angeles? "Legend" trilogy parody. Rated "T" for the use of Gintama's crude humor.
1. Okita 1

**Author's Note: **I've been waiting for this for a damn long time - A parody of the _Legend _trilogy by Marie Lu, but with Gintama characters. You don't know how long I've been waiting to do this.

One thing I'd like to point out - This fic will change between Kagura and Okita's P.O.V., as I can't really parody _Legend _in the third person, as the P.O.V. switches between June and Day. You'll know whose P.O.V. it is by the chapter name (not the real one). For instance, this chapter is titled "Okita 1", as it is the first chapter in Okita's P.O.V. "Kagura 1" is Kagura's first P.O.V. chapter, and so on.

Like my parody of _Divergent_, updates for this fic may become sporadic until I can get _Allegiant _and _Champion_, since they are not out yet. But, buckle up and enjoy Gintama's take on a dystopian/steampunk/military story set in the City of Angels, Los Angeles!

**Warning: This fic contains potty/sexual humor, some Refuge in Audacity/Vulgarity, and lots of references. In other words, the usual Gintama stuff.**

**Disclaimer: Gintama is the property of Hideaki Sorachi. _Legend _is the property of Marie Lu. Please support the official releases.**

* * *

"_Our ordeal started when the country of Japan was opened up in 1855. However, aliens were the ones who opened up Japan, not humans. With these aliens came their colonization of the world a plague known as 'space rabies', which is spread by either person-to-person contact or through party drugs known as 'bath salts'. Be on the look out for humans that are foaming at the mouth and only saying the word 'Brains'. Due to how we can't control this virus, America has divided into the Western U.S. and the Eastern U.S. I run the Western U.S. so I can get V.I.P. seats at Los Angeles Lakers games, free food at all the trendy sushi bars in Beverly Hills, and free stays at all the fancy casinos in Vegas._"

_Oh, and, Carl, stay in the house_." - **Western U.S. Amanto Prince Baka - I mean, Hata's - speech on why the Amanto have taken over the world**

* * *

**"When Running From the Cops, Always Change Your Underwear Every Day."**

My parents somehow think I'm dead, even though they show my Wanted poster every ten minutes on the jumbotrons all over Los Angeles.

Wait, do I even have parents?

Anyway, every ten minutes on the jumbotrons, they show a One Piece-styled Wanted poster for me. It always says the same thing:

**Wanted! Dead or Alive**

**"Sadist" Okita Sougou**

**Wanted For: Jaywalking, hunting moths under a streetlight, cursing on a mini-golf course, licking toads, bathing two babies in a tub at the same time, charging admission to a house party, growing oleander flowers, riding a bicycle in a swimming pool, operating a bathhouse, driving two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time, playing percussion instruments on the beach, and dressing as a female without a permit. (1)**

**Reward: $20,000**

But, of course they ignore all of the arson, panhandling, theft, destruction of property, and assault. Do they only want to arrest me for all of the "stupid", yet unwritten, laws I've done? I only played the bongos on Venice Beach to panhandle, the babies I bathed at the same time were my brother, Yamazaki, and my sister, Mitsuba, when they were babies, and I only charged admission to that house party because Otsuu-chan was there.

Or, do they post all of this info because the masses think it's downright hilarious?

Oh, look, they're showing my Wanted poster and people are laughing. Thankfully, Mitsuba and I are on the third story of an abandoned apartment, watching the police go to various houses and look for victims of space rabies.

"So, Mitsuba, what's the haps?" I ask, starting to get bored of people watching.

"Yamazaki takes his Trial next week," Mitsuba says sadly. "If he scores between 1,000 and 1,249, he'll end up like us."

I shudder. The Trial - or, Stereotypical Dystopian Test That Determines Your Future, or SDTTDYF - determines your entire future. When I took it, I got the low score of 1,069. Yeah, my score was so bad, there's a 69 in it. Basically, this is the score breakdown:

1,500: The highest possible score you can get. This one chick got a 1,500 on her Trial a year or so back, and EVERYONE made a big deal of it.

1,450 to 1,499: The highest possible score you can get without being the very best like no one ever was. You get four years of high school, you go to a top university for college, and you get a job that will make you rich, if you get a bitchin' score.

1,250 to 1,449: The good scores. You go to high school, college, and get a job. Most people in the Western U.S. get these scores or higher.

1,000 to 1,249: You suck, man. You're banned from high school and college and you have to do manual labor, such as gardening (which is why the cops want me arrested for planting oleanders) and prostitution.

Mitsuba snaps me out of my thoughts.

"Oh, look, they're doing our house," Mitsuba says as she points to Yamazaki inviting the cops into our house. "If they finish soon enough, you can go down there and give Yamazaki some of that anpan you stole."

Ten minutes later, the cops are still at the house.

"Come on. Hurry up so I can see Yamazaki..." I say. Twenty minutes later...

"So, want to play a game of 'Is This a Zombie... Of the Dead'?" I ask.

"You are so insensitive..." Mitsuba says, shaking her head. So much time later, that Mitsuba got tired of waiting and hired a tranny to dress like her and take her place...

"Can we hurry this up? I have to shoot a commercial for my gay bar in five minutes," The transvestite asks me. I grab a wad of cash from my pocket and give it to him.

"Keep the change," I say. The transvestite gets up and kisses me (ew).

"Thanks, sweetie," The transvestite says before he leaves the apartment. As I wipe the saliva off of my cheek, I turn my attention back to the house across the way. Finally, the cops are leaving.

"Finally! The cops are leaving!" I say with joy. Then, they spray paint an X on the door, indicating that somebody in the family has space rabies. "Wait, what are they doing?! Police officers, stahp!"

Before the cops leave, one of them sprays a vertical line over the X, cutting it in half. Mitsuba then returns to the apartment.

"That was a nice walk. Got to see the sunset over Chinatown," Mitsuba says as she enters. "What happened?"

"Mitsuba, when a house is quarantined for space rabies and they spray a line over the X on the door, what does it mean?" I ask.

* * *

**(1) - **Those laws are actual, legit laws in the Los Angeles area (besides the jaywalking one, which is a law everywhere). I just Googled "Dumb laws in Los Angeles" to find these.

**Anyway, review if you want to see Kagura and Kamui!**


	2. Kagura 1

**Author's Note: **I was supposed to post this last night, but the Wi-Fi was down for much of the night. However, I did use the Wi-Fi outage to work on my fics, including this one.

Also, let's change things up a bit - Ask me questions in the review and I'll answer them in the next chapter's ending notes. Just make sure that the question doesn't give away any personal info about me. Even a simple "How did you discover Gintama?" will do.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gintama or the _Legend _trilogy.**

* * *

**"If You Ditch School, You're Also Ditching Taco Tuesday."**

I'm sitting in the office of the dean of my rich peoples' boarding school AGAIN. A bunch of my classmates are outside, wondering what the nation's prodigy did THIS TIME.

"So, Kagura, this is your eigth report THIS YEAR," Principal Sorachi comments. (1)

"Yeah. I can't take you seriously anymore! You're a gorilla, for Eichiiro Oda's sake!" I yell, pointing out that our principal is a large gorilla and not a human. "Plus, you can't stop me and my sudden urges to ditch school and base-jump off of buildings!"

Before I can say anything else, a buzz from Principal Sorachi's phone cuts me off.

"_Hideaki, Kamui is here to pick up Kagura_."

"Send him in," Principal Sorachi says.

"Wait, why is Kamui - What the hell, man?!" I cry before I realize that Kamui is here to get me because I got suspended, AGAIN.

"You're suspended for a week, Kagura. No ifs, ands, or buts," Principal Sorachi tells me.

* * *

On the way back home to our bitchin' apartment in Hollywood, Kamui and I are silent.

"So, Kagura, what did you do THIS time?" Kamui asks.

"At lunch, I went off-campus so I could base-jump off of a fourteen-story building," I answer. Kamui grows silent.

"Awesome! Up top!" Kamui yells as I give him a high-five. "Is this your first time base-jumping?"

I nod.

"Hell to the yes! My little sister is growing up!" Kamui yells as our limo pulls up to our apartment complex and we get out. "Kagura, I'm going to take you out for sukiyaki in Little Tokyo!"

"Bitchin'!" I yell.

"But, not tonight. As part of my duties in the military, I have to go to the science lab and investigate this new virus sample that just came in from Texas," Kamui explains. I frown.

"But, Kamui, I need you more than the anti-Amanto military," I whine. Kamui hugs me.

"Not tonight," Kamui says as he pulls away and puts on a tricone hat. "The revolution needs me."

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**(1) - **Yes, that is the same Hideaki Sorachi that was in the episodes where Gintoki helped him write new manga.

**Review and leave your questions in the reviews!**


	3. Okita 2

**Author's Note: **Well, I didn't get any questions for the Q&A thingie, so send them in!

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

**"If You do This Break-In For Science, Then You Will Get Cake."**

It's been twenty-four hours since my family was quarentined for space rabies, and I am standing in front of the hospital near my house. Am I going to visit them? No, I don't know where they went. Instead, I'm going to break into the laboratory on the third floor.

Just as I'm checking my supplies, a pink-haired man with a bunch of nurses surrounding him passes me.

"Ladies, ladies... Each of you can hold my important military keys later. But, I have to do something FOR SCIENCE," The man explains.

"Ooh, Kamui-san, ooh! I'd like you to use your military keys to unlock my front door. I lost my house keys earlier when my infant son threw them into the bushes, and I can't find them," A nurse swoons. It is in that moment that I realize that the nurses and Kamui are not talking about actual keys - They are talking about having sex.

Dang. I am never going to look at front doors the same way again.

As soon as Kamui and the nurses head inside, I follow them, pretending to be sick and/or injured.

"What's wrong with you?" A nurse asks.

"I'm pregnant," I say with a straight face. The nurse looks at me dubiously.

"You're a guy. Guys can't get pregnant," The nurse explains.

"I've had my Tower of Babel removed so I can have lady parts. I'm seven-and-a-half months pregnant, and my water just broke," I explain.

"Why isn't your pregnancy showing?" The nurse asks me.

"It's a demon baby, just like Baby Beel. My nursemaid, Hilda, will be here shortly to explain everything," I say before I run inside the hospital and sit down. I then rub my belly. "It's okay, Baby Beel. You'll have a full head of green hair just like Roronoa Zoro, playmates named Reborn and Lambo, and a giant teddy bear named Monokuma."

Three military officers enter, and I use their entrance to my ability. I get up and stagger to one of them.

"Help me to the bathroom, old man. I need to do a number 2, and I don't feel so hot," I say weakly as I grip the man's uniform. The man pushes me off and points his gun at me.

"Don't touch my uniform! I have OCD, and I point my gun at anybody who touches my uniform!" The officer yells. I think I wet my pants.

"Just let me go. I'm really sick, and I think you made me wet my pants. Either that, or my [Bleep] infection got worse," I plead. The officer sighs.

"Fine, go. Come right back to clean up your mess," The officer says. With that, I pretend to stumble out of the room.

"Wasn't that kid pregnant two minutes earlier?" Are the last words I hear before I go into the elevator.

At least I got that guy's I.D.

* * *

Seconds later, my elevator stops on the lab floor. I calmly walk in.

"Please give me your space rabies medicine," I ask nicely as I pull out a small knife I brought with me. One of the scientists pushes a cart with medicine toward me.

"Shut up and take all the medicine you need!" The doctor yells. As I'm pocketing the medicine, an alarm goes off, and I stop pocketing the medicine.

"I'm sorry, sir, but that alarm is my cue to leave. I am a good boy, really," I explain. The doctor ruffles my hair.

"Sure, son, head on home. It's getting late, and your mother is worried about you," The doctor says.

"Thank you, sir," I say as I go into the elevator. As the elevator goes down, I notice that I'm not alone - Kamui Yato is also in my elevator.

"You're not supposed to take those for free. This isn't a candy shop," Kamui tells me. Out of instinct, I throw my knife into his shoulder.

"Don't question the system, man. You're one of the reasons why there are hippies running around in surfing robots trying to re-create a Summer of Love," I deadpan before I leave the elevator.

* * *

As I walk back to the apartment, I begin to feel very sleepy. That's what you get when you spend all of last night watching K-On.

"Tired... So very tired..." I say with a yawn. I'm a block near my apartment, when I pass an alley. "Fuck it... I think I'll jack a box from a homeless dude and sleep here."

Before I even begin to look for a cardboard box, I pass out in the alley, falling asleep.

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**Ending Note: **Did anybody get any of the anime references? If not - One's for Beelzebub, and the other's for Eureka Seven.

**Review if you want to see our favorite Mayonnaise Addict!**


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